The day I was born, I was given a teddy bear called Pete. He cuddled me through my childhood and witnessed my teenage dramas. He's a stoic, well behaved fellow who nowadays just kinda sits there, looking a bit worn and threadbare. Doesn't say much. In fact, he doesn't say anything because, well, he's a teddy bear. Like, duh.
But what if Pete could talk? What stories would he tell about my adolescence? Christ, just thinking about some of the tales he could tell is cringeworthy. And how would he act now that he is in his 30s? Would he have become world-weary? Less Winnie the Pooh and more "fuck you"? Well, this is an idea that Ted - the first full-length feature film from Seth Macfarlane (Family Guy, American Dad) - takes a sideways, funny, and pretty rude glance at.
In the film, John Bennett's childhood dream comes true when his teddy bear, Ted, comes to life. John and Ted grow up together, and at the age of 35, John (played by Mark Wahlberg) and Ted are still best buds. The thing is that, like John, Ted (voiced by Macfarlane) has also grown older with time, and he has become quite the crude, sweary and extremely inappropriate teddy bear. One day John’s girlfriend Lori (played by the ridiculously yummy Mila Kunis) decides she's had enough and gives John an ultimatum: either Ted moves out, or she is making like a banana and splitting. Will John ditch his best mate? You can find out by catching Ted in Australian cinemas from July 5th. And other cinemas around the world at the same kinda time I guess. Google will likely be more useful than me with that kinda info though. Google's such a know-it-all.
While you're waiting for the film's release, you can liven up your Twitter feed with a few swears by following Ted at @WhatTedSaid (it's pretty nsfw, tbh). You can also keep up to date with Universal's other releases on the Twitter machine.
Words by Bobby Townsend. Sponsored by Universal.